We love our spouses, but sometimes we can find ourselves in rough waters. And it's uncomfortable and it's sad. We never imagined, at least initially, having arguments, or feeling disapproved of or having the sense that we're just not cutting the mustard...................or maybe we're the ones inflicting this stress ............................or maybe we're both to blame. Nevertheless, all committed relationships go through their peaks and valleys, so occasional strife is not uncommon, just not fun. What I have to say in the current and upcoming blogs is for people who are in a committed and loving relationship, married or soon to be married or might as well be. This is not for anyone who is in an abusive or harmful situation, married or not. So with that foundation, I will proceed. The topic of marriage deserves one point at a time and one blog at a time. 33 years of marriage for me, has revealed a wealth of great lessons which has led to a much greater love for my husband now than I ever had in the beginning. This is something my starry eyes would never have believed in the beginning. So at this moment, whether we consider our marriages in a dark valley or on top of a lofty peak, the point below, and more to come, will enrich and grow your love.
Point #1: Focus on what your spouse needs from you.
Focusing means watching our spouses and observing demeanor, and general interaction. Listening to how they respond to others and the attitude in which they communicate about life are all clues. These could be signs that a good hug or kiss is needed. Believe me, lectures don't work, signs of affection do. Having focus means we listen without trying to defend ourselves so instantly. We could have all the points and proof in the world that prove our innocence and right behavior, but none of that will change the way your honey is perceiving the situation. Listen to the deeper meaning of the complaints. The scenarios are endless but here are a few common situations.
It could be about you working too late. Here the deeper meaning might be that you're missed or that a fear of your disinterest exists. So, instead of arguing about it extensively, and if it is really a situation you can't change, then one strategy might be to phone or text your mate a couple of times during the day just to let them know you love them and are thinking of them.
Maybe it's about being overworked at the house. Well, think about it? Is there anything you could do, just one thing, that could make your honey feel some relief in his/her ordinary duties? Is there something you could do to make that overture a disciplined and regular habit, so your loved one doesn't have to ask you to do the same thing every week? Maybe it's about affection? There could be a need for physical, or verbal signs of affection or just a good back rub once a week. It probably is nothing that you intentionally try to ignore, but for some reason you're just not on the same frequency. Not to panic, everyone is different and sometimes we get so into our projects or other thoughts, we take for granted that affection. But if we're earnestly listening to our partners, and we are committed, then we'll make the point to “schedule” , for ourselves at least, those times we're going to show up for our mates with the affection needed.
It IS a real challenge not to lash out at our partners about OUR needs when we're feeling attacked; it takes a mental shift. Instead of seeing it as a personal threat, it takes seeing it as a cry for help. They have a gap that they consciously or unconsciously are looking to you to fill. No one can be anyone's total answer to happiness, but we can listen, get a sense of where they're feeling 'broken', (we ALL are broken), and then try to enter in to provide as much loving relief as we can.
Frequently, I find that in the process of earnestly soothing and comforting my spouse, he instinctively seeks out what he can do for me. People really notice when we attend to THEIR concerns instead of addressing what WE think needs fixing. Focusing on our spouses causes appreciation to SWELL , and a natural inclination to grow, leading our lovers to seek our joy, as well. It's true, it can happen, and those committed for the long hall, will take this on.