Our Marriages In Their Eyes: Focus On the 'Shoulds'

For our children, our marriages serve as endless lessons on how human relationships (especially marriage) are to be handled. When we focus on being examples of the 'shoulds' in our marriages instead of giving overwhelming examples of the 'should NOTS' we're a lot more likely to raise positive and hopeful adults. Instead of our marriages being all about US, they are definitely about our children, as well. Our marriages shape their world view of marriage  itself and their overall sense of security throughout their growing years. So, it is more important than you ever thought, this marriage of yours, these marriages of ours!

Being a positive witness of marriage is not about always getting along. My husband and I would have FAILED long ago if that was the criterion. No! It is not about being perfectly content, or never having disagreements or arguments. It's about NAVIGATING through those difficult times and ending up on safe and forgiving land. Married partners working well through struggles give great encouragement and teach significant lessons. Here are a few:

• Couples CAN make the decision to love one another, despite times of agitation, and wrong doing.
• Couples CAN make the decision to forgive one another.
• Couples CAN hug and make-up. These powerful lessons occur when you see more laughter than tears, more hugs than cold shoulders, and more encouragement than poisonous words.

All this comes from intentional actions, not just wishing that things be so or waiting to FEEL it. Doing it regularly can actually promote those good feelings.

As couples committed to our marriages, there are toxic behaviors that need to be avoided on a regular basis but, for sure, to be avoided in front our children.  We should NOT...

• Criticize our spouse in an unloving manner.
• Take our children's criticisms of our spouses lightly.
• Complain about our spouse to others.
• Argue about or contradict spousal decisions made concerning the children.
• Show preference for our own joy and comfort over that of our spouse's.

Instead let's  have an overwhelming focus on the positive interaction in front of our children as often as we possibly can! We SHOULD...

• Apologize to our spouse when we've wronged him or her in front of the children.
• Praise our spouse.
• Praise our spouse to others.
• Support decisions made by our spouse concerning the children.
• Seek our spouse's comfort and joy.
• Show our forgiveness to our spouse when wronged.

It's all about modeling unconditional love! On the first day of marriage the husband and wife are a family.  That unconditional love MUST begin between the two then this reality and power spreads to the eventual children inside and out. So not only do they know that it is possible to have and act out the real love, they have the strength to apply it with the right person at the right time. Our marriages are so much more significant than we EVER believed. Focus on those  SHOULDS!