Secrets Can be Toxic!

Dark Secrets (being victim of abuse, or other violence) are toxic substances that spread disease throughout our bodies, brains and emotions.  Even more, they overflow into our relationships and spiritual well-being for years, if not a life time. This hurt can manifest in some very significant ways such as:

1. * Depression
2. * Excessive and constant Anger
3. * Relationship difficulties
4. * Escape strategies (drugs, alcohol, suicide)

It ends up being miserable for the loved ones as well as the Secret Holders because we don’t really have a clue as to what is wrong.  We want the best for them, we invite them to tell us what’s wrong, they don’t and then we get weary with it all and even resentful because of all the worry they are or have caused us. It can be a vicious cycle.
So why such secrets?  We all understand secrets involving our own misbehavior, and wrong doing, but WHY when we have been the victim of an offense?  Why the embarrassment or shame?  Turns out that, in the perspective of the “holder”, there are a good number of reasons to be silent,

1. It displays weakness.  Up until that point, we felt invincible and in total control. This is an image that is not easy to let go and certainly not before others.  
2. There is self-blame. “If I was stronger, it wouldn’t have happened. If I had followed the advice received, it would not have happened. If I was a better person, this would not have happened.”
3. The fear of judgement. Afraid that people (especially those closest to us- parents, spouses, friends) will tell us, “We TOLD you!!  Why were you there, anyway? What were you doing there? Why didn’t you do THIS, or THAT?  Why were you such a fool? Etc., and OUCH!! You can see how this could even hurt more than the incident itself….well, close at least.
4. There is no close trustworthy person.
5. The fear of overreaction from our parents or spouse. (They might want to go to the police for us, or insist on a face to face with the villains involved, or insist that we never leave their sight again…..) Another way to look at it is that such confidantes  take on the part of victim instead of showing concern for the distressed individual.   
6. The fear of the label- VICTIM- from now till who knows when.
7. The dread of reliving the experience all over again, making more hurt.
8. The fear of being perceived as DAMAGED GOODS and therefore rejected for anything good or wholesome. 

These reasons and concerns are very common and the natural way that MANY of us would think after such traumatic experiences……..but it doesn’t make it the RIGHT way towards healing and mental health.

So who knows? There may or may not be a hurtful secret at the bottom of all the sadness or anger or anxiety; however, what we CAN do is provide all the opportunities as possible  so that disclosure and/or sharings can happen. And although we can’t force ANYTHING, we can always work to project the most nonjudgmental attitude possible which will create that SAFE ZONE, which each one of us needs.  Talk LESS; listen a lot MORE. You might be surprised at what happens next. 
 

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